


Hell Doesn't Even Have Any Fury

by eveninganna



Series: An Error of Comedy [5]
Category: Greek and Roman Mythology
Genre: F/M, Hera kills when she needs to, Old Married Couple
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-11
Updated: 2015-03-11
Packaged: 2018-03-17 10:10:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3525305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eveninganna/pseuds/eveninganna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>	“Listen, you ungrateful little shits,” Zeus began, grandly gesturing to a group mainly consisting of his bastard offspring. “Hera’s just gotta do her vindictive thing; it’s what she does. It would be <b>wrong</b> of me to take that away from her.”</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hell Doesn't Even Have Any Fury

**Author's Note:**

> Surprise, bitch. Bet you thought you'd seen the last of me.

It wasn't too long after the Io Incident (so dubbed by Apollo due to his love of alliteration) that Hera started expanding her rage across all of Olympus. Turning the women of Zeus' affections into various animals and sending them across foreign rivers wasn't enough for the queen, apparently. Out of spite she began interfering with as many gods' lives as was possible, in particular those she believed to be in any way implicit or involved in her husband's philanderings.

This was a lot of people.

"Bitch cut off my wine trade with the Persians," Dionysus muttered hostilely into his goblet.

"She ordered a city-wide recall of lyres in Cyprus," Apollo shared dejectedly.

"Now that we're talking about this, I realize she's probably the one that left that horse's head in my bed." Hermes nodded morosely.

Eventually Zeus had to come out of hiding and do his job, and thus Hera's vengeance needed to be acknowledged.

"Listen, you ungrateful little shits," Zeus began, grandly gesturing to a group mainly consisting of his bastard offspring. "Hera's just gotta do her vindictive thing; it's what she does. It would be  _wrong_ of me to take that away from her."

"With all due respect, all-powerful father, that sounds like a stupid fucking idea and--"

"Apollo, I will banish you so quickly you won't even have time to collect your One Directive posters from your palace."

"One Direct _ion_!" Apollo crossed his arms and gave a huff. "And you're all going to regret making fun of their hair. They're going to be  _huge_ \--"

"Let it go, Apollo!" Zeus roared. "I've got plans for England and they don't involve an army of boy bands prancing around the globe like a bunch of horny satyrs, okay?!"

Apollo pouted, muttering, "That's what  _you_ think."

Zeus pinched the bridge of his nose. Being the most powerful and sexually skilled of all the gods was way harder than people gave him credit for --  _harder_ , ha!

The meeting effectively ended when Zeus couldn't remember what his prior train of thought had been after laughing at his owner inner monologue for a moment.

"You know, Zeus," Aphrodite piped up in her sultry voice, as the gods departed the meeting place. "It's not like I'm an  _expert_ or anything, but I think a lot could be gained here by you simply speaking with your wife. I know it sounds weird, but they appreciate that." She nodded, waving her hand and making a silver nail file appear. She began to groom her already perfectly manicured delicately.

 _Comm...unication? No, that couldn't be right._ Zeus shook his head.

"I think the goddess may very well be correct, Father," Apollo declared, sidling up beside him. "It's rather surprising, but from my experience women do seem to appreciate being spoken with. She wants to feel as though she matters to you, not just because she's destroying everyone's lives, but because  _she_ matters--"

"I'm literally going to throw up," Dionysus said. "If anyone needs me I'll be with Ariadne. A wonderful wife. One who doesn't, you know,  _ruin_ things--"

"Dionysus, so help me, I'll make you a seventy-year-old mortal with a snap of my me-damned fingers. Now get out, all of you. I must ponder."

**-o-**

Hera was sitting at her desk in her and Zeus' shared bedchamber, looking over some reports on the mortals' new designs for potential aqueducts. Oh man, did  _they_ have another thing coming.  _Let's see how they like their aqueducts when they're full of half-asleep, confused cows_. Hera laughed lowly to herself.

She couldn't remember exactly why she was upset with the town she was currently meddling with, but when Hera was on a rampage, she always thought it best to divide her malevolent attentions equally.

Hearing the large, ornate door open behind her, Hera knew it was her husband, finally having summoned his courage to come speak with her. She gave no indication she had heard his entrance.

"Hey, baby," Zeus said smoothly, sliding his body fully onto the desk, covering her plans. Elbow resting against the table, head in hand, he winked at her. "'Sup."

Hera narrowed her eyes.

"I don't want to be too forward here," Zeus went on, "but I think it's worth noting that my crotch is eye level with you right now."

"How convenient," Hera said, tilting her head. "All the better to maim you."

Zeus pouted, crossing one leg over the other. "Look, I know you're mad."

A drawn out silence followed.

"Is that all?" Hera asked. "Because if so, I have some plans concerning Poseidon to follow through on."

This piqued Zeus' interest. "You're gonna fuck with my brother?"

"Once you get off all my blueprints, yes," she said, leaning back in her chair, arms crossed.

"But...that's like my thing." Zeus made a face. "What were you gonna do?"

Hera sniffed. "I don't see how that's any of your business."

Zeus waited.

"Well, if you must know, I was planning on tampering with the mortals' new aqueducts. You know how supportive he is of those." Hera paused. "However, the very sight of you both perturbs and disgusts me at the moment. As such, I'm afraid my scheming may be somewhat hindered."

"Really? That usually only makes you all the more creative." Zeus wiggled his eyebrows.

Hera fought a smile. Making to stand, she was stilled by Zeus' outstretched arm, hand gripping her wrist.

"Hey," he said, voice soft and coaxing. "Let's do something together. It's been a while--"

"I am not having sex with you."

"That wasn't even -- although if you change your mind…" At Hera's look, Zeus backtracked. "I was gonna say we could fuck with Poseidon  _together_."

"Aw," Hera demured, dropping a hand to her hip. "How considerate of you."

Zeus looked very proud of himself. "I agree! So I was thinking--"

"I'm being facetious, you ignoramus," Hera seethed. "You think you can just come in here and offer to help me interfere with your brother's sanity -- something you do on a weekly basis  _anyway_ \-- and everything will all just be okay, back to normal?"

"But…this is our normal?"

Hera huffed. "Maybe the bastard of yours that I'm sure is quickening in the womb of some whore as we  _speak_ will also be raised to immortality, and then they'll be the god of therapy, and  _then_ we can work through that mess."

"That's not a bad idea…" Zeus trailed off. "Anyway, until then, let me help you help yourself."

She scoffed. "And how would you do that?"

"Hera," Zeus spluttered, gesturing around the room. "I'm in charge of all this shit. What can't I do, to be honest." Zeus sat up, legs dangling off the desk, pulling her towards him. She didn't let him pull her fully between his legs, but she allowed her hips to bump against his knees. She ignored the familiar rush she got from the contact.

Assessing her husband, Hera made up her mind.

"Fine. But you're still sleeping on the couch."


End file.
